Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Challenge

One of the blogs I read daily is The Daddy Files. There is a link in my blog roll. One of his recent posts was on the dark places in the mind. You know, the thoughts you have that you don't want others to know about. I don't write about those places often because things with Evan are going so well lately. He's long reached the age where he is not the cause of my sleep deprivation. He's been an easy child for the most part. That could all change soon since puberty is on the way. But I feel challenged by Daddy Files to tell at least one dark story.

When Evan was born, I was basically a single parent. I know, I was married. At least I had 2 incomes. But I was working full time, doing all the cooking and cleaning, taking care of Evan. I had NO help. Yes, I know. I should have demanded help. First, I don't like to ask for help - makes me feel weak. Second, every time I did I was denied so I gave up. I did have help from my MIL on the weekends, but she worked full time, too. I hated to ask too often. And my mom was gone every weekend. Her parents were sick so she drove 2 hrs every Friday to relieve the sitters, cooked and cleaned all weekend, drove 2 hrs back and worked a full time job.

But my dear husband just couldn't be bothered. Couldn't be bothered during the week - he's an aircraft mechanic. If he doesn't get enough sleep, people could die. I heard that shit so many times. Couldn't be bothered on the weekends because he needed to relax. Everywhere I went, Evan went with me. I never had a second to myself.

Then I had my moment. The night that made it clear to me that I was all Evan had. And he was all I had. I had had a bad day at work. I was tired. I didn't feel good physically. Of course, Mike went to bed and I was left to deal with getting Evan in bed. He was about 3 months old. I put him down and he slept for about 30 minutes. Then the crying started. Then I really started feeling sick. And he wouldn't stop crying. Then my back started hurting. And he wouldn't stop crying. And then I started throwing up. And he wouldn't stop crying. So at 3AM I asked for help. Begged. The help I got? He held Evan for about 5 minutes while I was throwing up and then handed him back to me. He had to get some sleep. By this time I knew what was wrong with me - a kidney stone. And he wouldn't stop crying. At that moment, I held my precious baby in my arms and shook. I shook so hard, that later I was worried if I had 'shaken' him. Then I started wondering what kind of mom I was going to be if I couldn't hold it together just because I was sick. And do I really WANT to be a mom? And what kind of mom wonders if she WANTS to be a mom? That opened up a nice little self-pity spiral that I rode for a few hours. But by dawn I realized that I could handle this gig. I had to. Because I was all Evan had. And he was all I had.

Over the years, it has gotten better. For the most part, he has been an easy child. Not always, but for the most part. And Mike now actually participates when I remind him that he needs to. After all, Evan is a lot of fun now that he doesn't cry at night or need a diaper change.


  1. I remember being sick throwing up and the baby was crying and had a dirty diaper but I was home alone and couldn't tend to him right then. I just had to deal like you did and get it done somehow. Moms make the world go round. And you're a kickass mom.

  2. Wow. That was a breaking moment for certain. Moments like that change your life. Refocus you. And make you STRONGER. You are forced to step it up higher than you originally planned.

    They can also break your heart. You can really lose faith in people you thought loved you (ie dear hubby).

    But in the end it seems everyone grows and stretches. Having a child really and truly changes everything. But I know how rich your life is because of E! And he is a GREAT kid. So polite and warm. You've done a great job!

  3. Couldn't have said it better than what Tiffany and GG put out there. You go girl! It truly does make you a stronger person having to go through that.

  4. You are a much stronger woman than me because when I went through all of this after having Jay and being the only one in my household that ever did anything...I asked for a divorce and I got it. Now, Jay IS all that I have in my life besides my parents. I make sure that he has plenty of "daddy time" every other weekend, but right now, it must seem to him that I am all that HE has too.